ET's Penis

I think that someday, when extraterrestrial life collides with ours, we will have many things to share with each other. One of the most fascinating pieces of technology that I think that we could offer to the aliens would be our personal computers - after all, man's most glorious achievement was the internet - an incredibly fast way to share erotic material with each other. The aliens would most likely covet these "sex machines" and a galactic civil war would erupt between the different races jockeying for its control. Many would perish---but I really think that we would have made a real difference in the universe.

You Can't Stop What's Coming

Out of Focus Presents

DADLAND

A New Series

SEAOMF

Sigmund Freud Has Jungle Fever

"A true pervert could use any mad lib at their exposal."
- Katie Gardner

Naked Time Classics

KC for Men

If I was ever hired to develop a new cologne, I think that I would call it 'Kindergarten Cop For Men'. It would possess all of the raw masculinity of a police lieutenant but still give off an aroma of childlike innocence that would promote growth and learning for everyone involved.

I've been working on the formula for years now:
3 cups of distilled rain water
2 tbsp. of fermented urine
1/8 cup of crushed honey graham crackers
a liberal amount of colored pencil shavings
3 minute drops of pure ammonia (bleach may be substituted)

*Once mixed, these ingredients must be ceremonially sworn in by an active officer of law enforcement.

Ahh, I can see it now...a Friday night out to your favorite five star restaurant will no longer be complete without this wonderful new fragrance.

Meeting Famous People

I thought that I saw Dane Cook today in a men's room at the mall. I was mistaken, however - somebody had just forgotten to flush.

"Columbus Day"

Contrary to popular belief, Christopher Columbus did not discover America in 1492. In fact, the discovery was made a few years later by Apollo Creed.

Give credit where it is due.

On the Trail '08

I think that if I was running for President I would make a bunch of wild promises that I could never ever keep -- that way, I would win by a landslide vote. Later, if the public called me out on not fulfilling those promises I would say, "I never said any of that." Nobody could contest me, then. Man, I would be a great President.